Saturday, 29 December 2012

Christmas Surprises

This has been a sad Christmas. For years I have felt like a bit of an outsider in my family with some know, that person you're related to, but would really rather not spend time with. Our Christmas plans this year were foiled when we found out at the last minute that what we thought was the plan, wasn't. Well, it was, but it changed and no one clued in that I didn't know.

When the issue was brought up instead of anyone saying, "We are sorry" we got a load of how we aren't that good at being part of the family anyway.

Did I mention I feel like the outsider??....ever wonder why I hesitate to call or visit? I often try to save embarrassment on all sides when people call us at the last minute and say, "Hey! It's New Year's Eve (or whatever the event) and we are all hanging out....where are you?" by responding that we already have plans.....which we generally do. I quit waiting around to get invited as it just makes my kids sad.....they want to join everyone, but we haven't been invited.....and we will no longer go over uninvited. They don't deserve now we go ahead and make our own plans.

Anyway, I have been feeling this for a number of years, and have brought it up a few times, but nothing I have my little cry about it and then I stuff it. This time was rather hurtful though, and instead of what I had hoped the response would be (the "we are sorry you feel this way....let's make a new plan).......instead the onslaught came.

Have you ever had a time where you had a sudden realization that made perfect sense, but was rather hurtful and embarrassing?

Besides the, "oh! We forgot you were coming....we made totally different plans....sorry.....hope you can figure something out for Christmas dinner" it was followed up with the reason I may feel like I do is because I am really not liked.

See. I am not imagining things after all!

When I was flat out told that one person in particular really doesn't like me and hasn't for a long time, suddenly things made a lot of sense. That's why I feel like she is bristly around me. That's why she invites people over, and it would make sense to invite me as well, but doesn't. As a matter of fact, she has made it quite clear that my family and I shouldn't show up uninvited. I'm pretty sure if I told the crowd of people who feels welcome to show up uninvited, they wouldn't believe it. But since we have felt funny about going over there when others say, "Come on over!" Allen has, a couple of times, checked to make sure it is okay. The response was, "Everyone certainly isn't invited!" we don't go.

I always cut them some slack when I felt spurned when interacting with them. I  figured there were just too many people hanging out for too long, or maybe she was going through a tough time. I really never did come to the conclusion that she would act that way because she really just plain old didn't like me. What a doh head!

Oh she's nice to me in the proper circumstances. We've exchanged Christmas presents. She was very kind and generous to me when Destiny died. Some situations people feel obligated to help I suppose. WANTING to spend time with me, though, apparently is a whole different thing.

She talks to me when I approach her. But, come to think of it, she never initiates conversations with me when we cross paths. Perhaps that's why our conversations are kind of awkward and short. I approach her. I ask questions about how things are going in her and ler family's lives. And then I walk away awkwardly.

Perhaps that's why her husband has never speaks to me. I always thought he was just shy. It really explains a lot of things I've noticed, but never gave a name to, and simply gave excuses for. It honestly never occurred to me that she plain old, plain and simple, doesn't like me. I was informed though, that it has been an issue for years - many years.

It kind of leaves me stunned.
And hurt.

I suppose all I can do is be polite. I spent a lot of time thinking about how I could be a better person and get her to like me - but today I came to the realization that if I have to work that hard to get someone to like me, is it really worth it? I'm not a terrible person. I would never knowingly do something mean or rude. Come to think of it, there are even a lot of people who like me!

It's a good thing I have plenty of people in my life who do like me and make me feel like I have unique skills and talents and even like to be around me.

It's just a bit of a shocker. I feel a little bit like an idiot to to think I never clued in before this.

I will get up, shake the dust off, and hold my chin high.....and try to not let it bother me when all my family spends time at this persons house.

It's really the only choice.

....but it still makes me sad.

And it makes me sad that whenever I have brought up how I feel left, out nothing changes. No one cares enough to make it change. is what it is. I'm one of those people in the family people don't want to hang out with.

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