Destiny

She would have been 9 today.

I've been surprised, after my experience, at how often I hear about stillborn deaths. It is not talked about a lot, but it sure is common.

Family picture day!

We were so lucky to get a nice warm day! 

Jill seems a little leery of Becky's idea

Sure love these two

He is getting so grown up!

Not sure what was going on here! Allen and Becky have a special kind of relationship :)

It was Becky's suggesting that we take pictures in the Birth Place Forest in Nose Creek Park. I don't know if she knows that this is Destiny's birthplace forest or not. I didn't bring it up. I thought it was a perfect idea though. I am going to love these pictures.

First Day Back!

I love summer.
I really love summer.

I really love going back too.

Today was my first day back at school. It is surprising how nervous I always feel. You'd think I'd start getting the hang of this. I still have the butterflies. Although, I have less butterflies on the first day back with teachers than I do on the day I meet my new students! That is for sure.

I realized something the other day. These students likely would have been Destiny's classmates and friends. She would have been going into grade 3 this year. These are the kids she'd have play dates with and go to birthday parties with. They will hold a special place in my heart.

Destiny

Destiny would have been seven today.

Imagine.

I have a friend who always brings me flowers this day. So kind.

Makes me cry.

Then my dear cousin showed up with flowers too.

I'm a bit of a wreck now :)

It sure is nice to have people remember though.

Choose Kind!

Today, for me, is Choose Kind Day. It's a saying, from a great book I read, called Wonder.

When I was pregnant with Destiny I felt like she was a gentle little girl. I still feel strongly that she was very kind. After she was born, I felt a strong desire to be a little kinder, especially to children. I have decided that today is my own official Choose Kind day, in remembrance of her.

I'm so blessed to have people who remember her birthday every year. She would have been six years old this year. Maybe she would have been coming to school with me and been in kindergarten or grade one this year. Imagine how different life would be if we had a six year old in our family!




I also got flowers from my cousin. I was doing fine until she showed up to tell me she loves me!! Lots of tears. They're grateful tears though.



I remember, when she was first born, how hard it was to talk about her. I couldn't do it without crying. People said it would get easier with time. I couldn't imagine it ever getting easier - but it really does. I can even accept now that maybe it all happened for a good reason. She brought something into our fmaily that couldn't have happened any other way.  I do feel blessed for having gone through the experience.

We love you Destiny. You will always be real to me.

“What is REAL?” asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. “Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?”
“Real isn’t how you are made,” said the Skin Horse. “It’s a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.”
“Does it hurt?” asked the Rabbit.
“Sometimes,” said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. “When you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.”
“Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,” he asked, “or bit by bit?”
“It doesn’t happen all at once,” said the Skin Horse. “You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept.
“Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”
“I suppose you are real?” said the Rabbit. And then he wished he had not said it, for he thought the Skin Horse might be sensitive. But the Skin Horse only smiled.
“The Boy’s Uncle made me Real,” he said. “That was a great many years ago; but once you are Real you can’t become unreal again. It lasts for always.”
The Rabbit sighed. He thought it would be a long time before this magic called Real happened to him. He longed to become Real, to know what it felt like; and yet the idea of growing shabby and losing his eyes and whiskers was rather sad. He wished that he could become it without these uncomfortable things happening to him.

  The Velveteen Rabbit (emphasis my own)

 

This passage really touches me because some people are really uncomfortable talking about the whole Destiny story. They aren't sure what to say when it comes to a baby that is dead. I'm okay talking about it, but I try not to make other people feel uncomfortable. As ugly as the whole situation is, it is beautiful to me.



Mother's Everywhere

Lately I try to walk while my kids are at swim practice. It makes sense to walk while I am waiting for them. Today I decided, instead of doing my normal route around the pool neighborhood, I would drive over to a neighborhood where I haven't walked a lot and check our houses and yards. It was delightful.

I soon realized I was near Queen's Park Cemetery so I decided to walk through there and visit Destiny's gravesite. It's funny how I still can't do that without a good cry. It is such a beautiful spot - right next to a playground. I am happy with the spot.

The area has really grown in the number of headstones. It made my heart ache a little more. I vowed that I am going to get the money together to get her a headstone.

I was amazed at the number of headstones for stillborn babies. They always just have one date and often say "born silently". I wondered about those mothers and how they're doing with the loss. I feel a bond with women who have had stillborn babies. We hold an ache that never goes away.

Tonight, I came across a poem while catching up on Kirby Larsen's blog. It is written by a child. Perhaps even animal mothers know the heartache.

Children

The other day I was having a conversation with a friend at work. She had mentioned that she has a sister that is some twenty years younger than her and so I asked her about that. It's quite unusual for people to have children that far apart in age. She said that her sister was born after she had left home to go to school. She said that her mother's friends and acquaintances weren't exactly excited or supportive of her in this pregnancy. Quite the opposite. She went on to talk about what a blessing it had been in her family to have young children around all the time. Whether it was her younger sister, or her own children, or her siblings children - but most of her life there were young children around her family. She said she has very little patience or empathy who people who have anything but positive words for the idea of having a child around. Her words really touched my heart and made me wonder if this is one of the little secret ingredients that makes our school such a great place - people here really love children.

I keep little reminders around for myself to keep those same thoughts. When Destiny was stillborn, and when I had another miscarriage, I remember having a strong desire to always be kind to children, especially my own. I loved this story at this past General Conference about a mom who had lost her child in a fabric store. She was getting more and more worried and calling loudly for her child. One lady had a thought that maybe the child was scared to come out listening to the fear in his mother's voice. She decided to walk around and call for the boy with a quiet voice, "Jason, it's okay to come out. Are you here?" She finally did find him in amongst the bolts of fabric. It really reminded me of my decision to go back to teaching and my desire to be kind.

Today at school one of my student's asked me why I decided to become a teacher. It was while I was in the middle of a reading rant, so I suspect he expected me to say I became a teacher because I love reading. That's part of it, I suppose. First I told him I'd answer that question later. Then I paused and said, "Do you really want to know?" Of course, everyone was up for a story then. So I told them about how I had always wanted to be a teacher because I pretty much always liked school, and so I went to University and became one. And I loved it. Then I had a baby that I was soooo crazy about and I just wanted to stay home and be a mom after that, but I did have different jobs here and there, and they were okay. But mostly I loved being a mom. Then I had another baby, and I wanted to keep being a mom because now I had TWO BABIES that I was really crazy about! Then I had another baby....and I told them that that baby died. (I really had everyone's attention then) I told them that I cried for about a year (they laughed at that, because it sounds ridiculous....little do they know), and then I decided I needed to do something different with my life. I thought and thought and thought and decided I would like to become a teacher again because I knew now that I really liked kids and really wanted to share with kids how important they are. So I looked and looked and looked around for a great place to work, and I found the school I'm working at. I made a resume and I took a deep breath and asked them if I could work there (I really wasn't willing to go just anywhere). And lucky for me, they decided to let me be a teacher again....and so now here I am, spending my days with kids that are great, and I learned that I REALLY love it!

And that's a true story.

I love kids. And I love teaching.

The other day another teacher came into my classroom and took a deep breath and said, "Ah! All is right in my world again now that you're all back." She was being funny. I totally agree with her sentiment! All is right in my world when I get to spend my days with kids in my class.

Yup. All is right in my world.




This is a picture Peirce drew of our family, two years after Destiny was stillborn. I was so touched that he included her in the picture, especially after it had been two years since she was silently born. She always will be a part of our family.

Remembering Destiny

I work with the greatest people. One of my co-workers brought me this today to remember Destiny because today was the day she was delivered.

I told her my bucket was full....and it caused my eyes to leak  So kind!!

I did pretty good today until she brought me the flower.

Destiny would have been in kindergarten this year. Imagine, we would have had a kindergarten child?! There's a little girl in the class across the hall that has hair like I did when I was that age. I wanted to give her big hugs today.

My little, Destiny.

Love you.

This is beautiful....a perfect portrayal

I've lived this....except when I think of Destiny she is an adult.

Skellig by David Almond

I finished Skellig today. I really enjoy it. It's such an interesting story. I also watched the movie. And of course, I'd have to say I like the book way better than the movie. They really changed the story around in the movie. The book leaves much more to your imagination.

I found myself thinking a lot about Destiny while reading this book. I loved how Michael could feel the baby's heartbeat along with his own. In the story the baby needs heart surgery and when the dad comes home from the hospital he said, "It's over, Michael."

And that was where the chapter ended!

It was suddenly thrust back to that Sunday when I went to the hospital because I hadn't felt movement. The nurse started up the ultra sound machine. She hummed and hawed. Then she called the doctor. He hummed and hawed, and then ....SNAP! He shut off the machine, sat down, and said, "I'm sorry."

I'll never forget it.

Luckily, that wasn't the end of their baby's life. The dad meant the surgery was over. Phew!

I loved all the references to birds, and flying, and love and healing. I'm quite interested to see what the kids in our book club think about this book.

What is Skellig? I wonder if Skellig was imaginary sometimes. Perhaps he was the boy's way of dealing with the stress. Couldn't be though, because his friend saw him too. Could Skellig really fly? Could he really heal? In the movie, just before the "flying incident", Michael gets burned, and while flying, his hand is healed. That's how he figured out that Skellig could do something to help his sister. Besides, his mom saw him too. Or was she dreaming?

So hard to tell!

Check out the cool poster we made at school for book club when we discussed this book:

This website says this about the book:

"Ideal for ten- to fourteen-year-olds, Skellig tells the story of ten-year-old Michael, who is moving with his family into a new house in England. There’s a baby, as yet unnamed, in the family, but she has been in and out of the hospital, hanging tentatively on to life. So besides the normal moving worries, Michael must deal with a loving but preoccupied mother and father who have to focus on taking care of a sick infant.

In the new house’s dilapidated, collapsing garage, Michael stumbles upon an old man, half dead, who the boy secretly begins to feed and care for. Eventually he tells his new neighborhood friend, Mina; she is the only person he trusts with his secret. For Skellig, as the man calls himself, may not be a mortal man at all. At one point, Mina and Michael discover that he has wings—and in a magical scene he takes them flying. Owls also feed Skellig, although he seems to prefer Michael’s Chinese takeout. He mumbles and rants, but he also makes sense at the same time.

The book alternates between the almost dreamlike sequences where Michael deals with Skellig, and the realistic chapters focusing on his school and the baby’s declining health. During the day-to-day events, Mina tells Michael about William Blake. Skellig is just the kind of creature Blake would invent.

Finally, the two parts of the story intertwine, when Michael’s mother dreams of Skellig visiting the baby in the hospital. The baby begins to mend—and Skellig bids farewell to his friends who have brought him back to life.

A book of magical realism, Skellig does not read like any other novel written for children. It explores the healing power of love and a sense of spiritual wonder. Although it can be enjoyed for independent reading, it begs for a book discussion group so that everyone can talk about their own understanding of its contents. My sense of the book changes each time I read it. However the reader experiences Skellig, it remains one of those haunting, amazing novels for children that can be appreciated as much by the adults who find it."

 

The Circle

The play we went to see today was sandwiched with service. Before the play I went and helped get food ready for a dear friend's ex-husband's funeral. After the play we went to the funeral and helped with the food for the reception after. They were all very grateful, and it was a wonderful experience to be able to give that service. I couldn't help think often, as the service wore on, about how people did this for me when Destiny died. It gave me a feeling of reverence to be able to do the same for someone else. I suppose that is what this life is all about. We help each other through the hard times, and together enjoy the happy times. All I know is I was sure happy to be able to give that service for a friend. Peirce and Allen were there too (Jill was babysitting) I think Peirce felt the spirit of service too because I didn't hear any complaining from him for the long hours we spent. He wrote an amazing note to my friend's son to say how sorry he was that his dad had died and how he knew a little bit about how it feels because his sister died. Tonight he even told me he liked being there. So glad to be able to give that service together. Life is good.

So Blessed

Today one of my co-workers brought me a flower. She said it was so I could look it and think of my little Destiny.

Brought a tear to my eye!

I'm seriously so blessed. I work with some amazing, kind, creative, fun and thoughtful people.

Four Years Later

We have a little girl in our ward that was born the week that our Destiny was stillborn. We sang happy birthday to her in primary today at church. I often look at her and wonder what it would be like to have a little girl that age running around our house. Our life sure would have been different than it is right now. Time does heal wounds though. My time with Destiny changed my life for the better. Today is the day she was delivered (I never know if I should say it was the day she was born - or the day she died)

All I know is it is possible to love someone you haven't spent time with. She is a gentle soul whose presence I often feel.

Thank you for all you have done for me, my little Destiny Dawn Ackroyd.

I have have grown and changed through all this. I contemplated whether I should post anything. Sometimes I think people think I should move on. I know some people are uncomfortable with the topic. I guess the big reason for me is that I never want her to be forgotten.

Destiny

Do you ever have times where you are for some reason just sent back and memories are at the forefront? For some reason I felt that way. This morning I got up and put on my necklace that I have't worn for a while. We went to a movie and there were parts of the movie where I was almost brought to tears with memories of pregnancy and of Destiny. (But the movie was Smurfs....so I couldn't get too emotional...it was Smurfs after all!) LOL Then someone posted this thought on Facebook:

"Sometimes," said Pooh, "the smallest things take up the most room in your heart." (A. A. Milne)

.....so true.
So very true.

Missing You Dad

This seemed like a good video for a day like today. It was a year ago that the Olympics were happening. It is also a year ago today that my dad slipped away to the other side of the veil. I miss him. I miss so many things about him. But I do believe that we'll see him again one day, and that he is very happy right now. I believe he watches over me and is like my own guardian angel. I am happy that he is with Destiny. I bet they have a wonderful time together.

I believe.
I will continue to stand tall and make him proud.
I believe.
Dad, I believe in the power of you and I.

3rd Birthday....but no party

Today was the day our little girl Destiny was silently born. It seems like so long ago - and in many ways it seems like yesterday. When I think about it or read my journal and blog posts from that experience tears come quickly and easily.

It's hard to imagine that I would have a little 3 year old girl right now. I think of Jill when she was 3 years old - and she was so fun!! If we had a little girl in our house I imagine she would be so loved and doted on. I imagine she'd idolize Jill and love playing with Peirce.


I've learned a lot from that experience and since that experience.


I've learned that there really is comfort in the gospel in knowing that our family is sealed together and that we will all be together one day. When I was in the thick of the experience and dealing with loss I was more irritated than comforted when people would say, "Aren't you grateful for the gospel in all of this?" I was....but it still hurt so much and it hurt that people passed off what seemed like a trite phrase. At times I wanted to yell....NO!! I don't!! Who caresabout that?!! I found little comfort then - but as time has gone on I realize that I really did get through it all quite easily and there was comfort in the testimony that I have that this life isn't all there is....that we will see Destiny again one day and our family will finally feel complete.


I've learned that pregnancy loss is a huge issue. I can't believe how many people quietly tell me that they've had the same experience. I have women who have shared their experience with me and my heart aches for them as much as for my own situation. I feel a great bond with these women and probably always will. I remember talking with a woman I know who is a nurse. She quickly dismissed our conversation and said I'd soon get over it. She was wrong. It isn't an experience I think I'll ever 'get over'. I hope I don't. There's so much I learned from it all, and my perspective changed on so many things. I hope it is always close to my heart and never forgotten.

I've learned to not question. I spent so many hours wondering what I should have done different. After all, at 27 weeks lots of babies live. If only I had realized something was wrong. If only I had done something. If only I had not done whatever caused her heart to stop beating. I don't know if I did though. They did an autopsy and they had no answers. They didn't know why she didn't live. She was always a gentle baby. Her kicks were never really hard. That I did notice. Sometimes, when I'm in bed, sometimes I feel like I can still feel her movements. Sometimes I think I'm a little off my rocker too. I can't question anymore. There are no answers. I look forward to having a full knowledge one day and I believe I will find great comfort in the answers.


I've learned that I have an amazing support network at church and work and in my neighborhood. I'm lifted by people's sympathy and kindness. I remember noticing so many things at the funeral service we had for Destiny that I hadn't thought to do but someone did. I have no idea who did those little things - but I find great comfort in the friends and family I have that were so kind and thoughtful. I always will.


I've learned to trust in God. I don't know why this happened - but so much of that experience was a perfect storm that caused decisions to be made and things to happen that I wonder if they would have otherwise. We decided after Destiny was born to take Jill out of school and homeschool that year. I don't know if I would have done that if I hadn't been through that loss. I had a great desire to show more love and care to my children. That year for Jill was an amazing year and there are things about her personality now that I can point back to that year as the formative moments.


I've learned to be grateful for what I do have. I have a greater desire to be a good mother to Jill and Peirce. I have a greater desire to be kind to all children. That's probably what has led me back to teaching. I really do love children and often still feel like our family is incomplete. I'm not sure that means I will get pregnant again. We would welcome it - but so far have not been blessed with that. Maybe I feel like our family is incomplete because we don't have Destiny with us. Maybe it means there is someone else who will join our family. I don't know.


I've learned that we really did exist before we were born. And when we die our spirits do continue to exist. I know that Destiny continues to exist. She is a beautiful girl and I look forward to getting to spend time with her one day. She is a great strength to me.


A stillborn death is a pregnancy loss after 20 weeks. Apparently it happens to 1 in 115 births in the United States....which means 26,000 per year, or one every 20 minutes. And in developing countries the rate is much higher. I still have a great desire to do something to help women who go through this experience. I still don't have any idea what to do.


My friend, Vicki, wrote this poem. I love it. I hope she doesn't mind me posting it here.

Once Upon A Time

In the “before”Once Upon A Time,

We knew each other.

You were as precious as a rose.

We grew and we loved,

And we knew our Savior then,

Once Upon A Time.

I left you then

With a wish and a prayer

To see you again.

When I came to earth,

Once Upon A Time,

You grew until the day came

When you returned to me

And were gone again in a flash.

As I miss you now

How I long to hold you.

My heart aches to know you,

And I wonder about

Those days we spent

Once Upon A Time.

One day we will see each other

And hold each other tight.

You’ll be my little someone

And I’ll be your mother,

And we can begin again

And be with our Savior

And we will say,

Remember when,

Once Upon A Time?

Those Empty Places in My Heart

Is it okay if I say this? I know some people are uncomfortable when people talk about pregnancy loss....and some people who have gone through it don't like to talk about it....but here goes...

I have just thinking a lot this weekend about our baby we lost to miscarriage about six months ago. I was due the beginning of October. It seems like so long ago. But this week it has seemed like yesterday. And the beginning of November is when we lost our baby, Destiny....so it seems to be my season for remembering those little babies.

In some ways I really understand those crazy women who steal babies. I don't feel like stealing any babies - and I'm really grateful to have the children in my life that I have...but I have an inkling of what it must be like to want to have children and not have it happen. I am grateful for the direction my life is going and the things we have going on. I do still feel like our family is incomplete though. I am not sure if that's because of the babies we've lost, or if there really is another child that will somehow come to our family. Or maybe I'm just crazy. I don't know.

I still really wish there was something I could do to help women who go through pregnancy loss. I don't know what though. It's such a personal thing. I have a friend in my ward who lost a baby recently. She was close to 20 weeks - but not quite 20 weeks so it was classified as a miscarraige. I went to visit her and she really wasn't into visiting.....but I hope she felt that I understood and that I really care. The next Sunday I was standing in the hallway talking with her and another woman came by and made some comment about her baby she was expecting, and then went on her way. We just kind of looked at each other and didn't say anything...but we both knew exactly what the other was thinking, I'm sure of it.

Heartache. It's just a lot of heartache.

As long as I`m living, my baby you`ll be

This Saturday I get to go listen to Robert Munsch read some stories. I'm really excited abut it. I've been perusing his website and reading his books. I was surprised to learn that his book I'll Love You Forever was written after they had two stillborn children - one died one year and one the very next year. The book started out as a song:

I`ll love you for ever
I`ll like you for always
As long as I`m living
My baby you`ll be.

He also said: I made that up after my wife and I had two babies born dead. The song was my song to my dead babies. For a long time I had it in my head and I couldn`t even sing it because every time I tried to sing it I cried. It was very strange having a song in my head that I couldn`t sing.

I love that.
I love that he was able to have that way to express his feelings for his lost babies.
And I love that the whole world loves that book too. He has apparently sold 18 million copies of it!

The whole world relates, I think.

Family of 5? 4? 6?

Lately I've been thinking a lot about Destiny. I think it's probably because when I sub often the children ask about the necklace I wear every day. My mom and dad gave it to me after Destiny died. It is a heart with five little diamonds in it, each one representing each person in our family: Allen, my, Jill, Peirce and Destiny. Now that last little diamond represents Destiny and our next loved and lost baby.

Tonight Allen looked after taking the kids to swimming so I could have a much needed rest. After my nap I got on google reader and was trolling a few blogs. I was introduced to Design Mom by a couple of Allen's cousins. The author if the blog recently had a baby and has had people write birth stories. I browsed through a few until this one caught my attention. All the stories got me a little teary as I think of the baby we recently lost, as well as Destiny. Destiny would have been by 3 now, enjoying nursery and life as a pre-schooler. It's still amazing to me how tender those feelings. It's funny the little things that it makes difficult: like what number do you put on your wall? And will I always cringe and quietly whisper, "Sorry Destiny" when I answer "two" to the question of how many children I have?

Probably.

This is one of my favorite family pictures. My sister made it for me. When she made it she told me that the pink balloon represented Destiny. I think it's interesting that she actually put two balloons in the picture. I always thought this last baby we were having was going to be a boy. Now he's represented in the blue balloon.

Dear Pregnancy Loss,

Actually, Pregnancy Loss, I don't want to call you "dear" because you have hurt me so much. Pregnancy entered my life dressed as joy and anticipation and then by surprise you took away that which I looked so forward to.

For many you are cold and cruel and thorny. However, in the moments you've been in my life you were careful to make our experience as gentle as possible. For that I can thank you. You brought with you a quiet reverence for life that has touched my heart. You held open the veil for a moment to help solidify my faith that there's more to our family that what we now know. You've helped me look forward, with great anticipation, to the time that I will be surrounded by all my children. You've touched me in a way that makes me want to be kinder to all - especially to all children.

While I really don't want to invite you into my life again, I wonder if your presence was more of an assignment. I don't think yo uwanted to hurt me. I think you wanted to help me to grow, and to do more than survive, to become someone who discovers inner-strength and remembers to be a little gentler, while sharing with others what I have learned.

I think one day I may even be able to say thank you for coming into my life. Once my heart has recovered, maybe I will be able to say thank you.

Time will tell.

Dawn