Sunday, 3 October 2010

Those Empty Places in My Heart

Is it okay if I say this? I know some people are uncomfortable when people talk about pregnancy loss....and some people who have gone through it don't like to talk about it....but here goes...

I have just thinking a lot this weekend about our baby we lost to miscarriage about six months ago. I was due the beginning of October. It seems like so long ago. But this week it has seemed like yesterday. And the beginning of November is when we lost our baby, it seems to be my season for remembering those little babies.

In some ways I really understand those crazy women who steal babies. I don't feel like stealing any babies - and I'm really grateful to have the children in my life that I have...but I have an inkling of what it must be like to want to have children and not have it happen. I am grateful for the direction my life is going and the things we have going on. I do still feel like our family is incomplete though. I am not sure if that's because of the babies we've lost, or if there really is another child that will somehow come to our family. Or maybe I'm just crazy. I don't know.

I still really wish there was something I could do to help women who go through pregnancy loss. I don't know what though. It's such a personal thing. I have a friend in my ward who lost a baby recently. She was close to 20 weeks - but not quite 20 weeks so it was classified as a miscarraige. I went to visit her and she really wasn't into visiting.....but I hope she felt that I understood and that I really care. The next Sunday I was standing in the hallway talking with her and another woman came by and made some comment about her baby she was expecting, and then went on her way. We just kind of looked at each other and didn't say anything...but we both knew exactly what the other was thinking, I'm sure of it.

Heartache. It's just a lot of heartache.

1 comment:

Barb Tolley said...

I didn't know about your miscarriage this year but I too have had two miscarriages and it is so hard to come to the due date you were making plans for and not have any more plans. I have tough pregnancies and I find it hard to want to be pregnant. But I do it because I know the joy that will come later and to be willing to go through it then have that taken away from you. It is heartbreaking. I still don't know what to say to others that are suffering with loss even though I have had my own loss. But I try not to say I know what you are going through because I don't think I fully do. I know what I went through and what I have suffered but I had a hard time with people saying I know what you are going through then they go back to their lives and forget about my pain. Anyway I wish you love and peace today.