At Rocks In My Dryer there is a great series of posts called 'What I'd Like For You To Know'. There are guest bloggers who write of touching experiences. She had the wife of a deployed soldier, and a mom of an autistic child. Today she had a mother of a stillborn child.
I just sat and stared when I saw the title. Part of me really doesn't like thinking about all that. And yet I feel a real need to go back there often.
And I still cry....a lot. But I don't do it so much in front of people anymore. If anyone asked how I was doing or asked something about Destiny I couldn't stop the tears. Now I can talk about her without having the tears flow.
My life has been forever changed by our little Destiny. In many ways my healing process has been much easier than a lot of people I have met that have gone through this experience. And sometimes I think it hasn't been. I am very good at staying busy and filling my days so that I don't have to think about it too much....and then sometimes I can't do anything and I need to spend time just thinking, crying, and missing her.
I find it really helpful to talk....although I don't do it often because people are often quite uncomfortable with the whole topic. Sharing with others who've gone through this is also very helpful. I'm amazed at the number of people that have also experienced a stillborn baby.
There is a couple that was in our ward that was due at the same as I was due with Destiny. Their baby has also had a struggle and required heart surgery when she was only weeks old. I find myself terribly curious about how their little girl is doing - but when I run into them I find myself trying to avoid them so that I don't have to make small talk and admire how cute their little girl is. I don't want them to feel bad about how sad I feel.
My life has been forever changed by this experience. When my older children are away I tend to worry about them a little more. I also feel so heartbroken when I hear stories of people abusing children or just being plain old unkind. I feel a need for a little more kindness, a little more love, and a need to slow down and enjoy people more.
....and then sometimes I don't know how to describe what I feel.
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