Today Allen and I went to the doctor to review the autopsy results. I am posting this message because a lot of people have asked us about the results. I'm better at writing about it than talking about it. I tend to cry when I talk about it.
It was as I expected...no answers.
I received a copy of the autopsy. It's a lot of technical jargon...but I slowly waded through it just to satisfy my own need to know. It was like reading a script from CSI where the coroner is going over a dead body. I always wondered why she sounds like she's reading a book....probably because she's dictating a report/book. These reports are quite long and detailed and technical.
There weren't any malformations in Destiny's organs or other body parts. The doctor today was very kind and in a scientific way explained to me that sometimes we don't know....which sounded very much like God sometimes has a different plan than we do.
It's funny how experiences run side by side each other. Today I reviewed autopsy results for my baby. I also found out my neighbor (who I don't know because they're quite new) just had a baby.....a little girl. My little girl would have been born about the same time. I wonder how I'll feel as I watch her grow up. I think that little girl next door will always have a special place in my heart. I hope I will be able to get to know her.
When I got home - the minute I got home, the phone rang. It was Aunt Shirley. She has a friend that just lost twins at 22 weeks and she wanted to know if I had any advise for her on how to help her friend. To me, this was a message that I need to shift my focus from myself and on to how I can help others as well.
Recently I was asked to give a lesson in Relief Society. The lesson was on the day of my due date. Having to focus on that lesson rather than the sadness of the day was a great blessing. The lesson was on the Savior and on that day, rather than staying home and crying, I was able to testify of the blessings of the Atonement and how it has affected my life. I can't even really begin to express the feelings there...but I tried that day. I was grateful for the opportunity.
I never really had any exact plans about when we'd have children. Some people say they will wait a year then go ahead. Some say they plan to have their children every two years or something like that. We've never really had a plan like that. We've always gone ahead with a pregnancy after feeling prompted to do so. With Destiny it was a little different. I clearly remember the spirit saying, "You don't need to wait any longer." I thought that was kind of a weird way to put it. Sometimes I wondered if I was really ready to have a baby again...and at times I felt guilty about those thoughts after losing Destiny. Now I wonder if the spirit used that language because it didn't matter if I was ready to have a baby or not....it was just time for us to have that experience.
It's hard to say. A lot of people ask me if we're going to try again. I have reserved judgment on that. Just like in other times I will wait until I feel prompted. I don't feel ready right now, that's for sure. However, I trust that the Lord has a good plan in store for us. I will just have to continue to walk by faith.